China Business Blog and Podcast

My final column for “that’s Shanghai” magazine…and the story about why it was never published.

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Dear faithful reader [Kent has sent his monthly "that's Shanghai" magazine columns to a list of several hundred e-mail subscribers, but that came to a halt recently]:

Sorry it has been awhile since you’ve heard from me as we have been distributing my monthly column from “that’s Shanghai” magazine.

But there is a reason for my silence. I am not quite sure how to say this … so I will just say it. I was fired. Well, maybe “fired” is too strong a word. Let’s say I was “given a firm talking to by the authorities and then summarily ignored.” In a Chinese context, that is being fired.

I started writing for “that’s Shanghai” in 2005 when the magazine was just exiting from a nasty battle between the publishers and the former owners. There was a new managing editor — I will call him “Ian” — and he was looking for something to spark up the magazine. Someone sent Ian some of my musings and he called me. Ian is classic Dubliner Irish and has lived a long and hard life here in China — so when he called, I thought it was the Lucky Charms leprechaun channeling Tom Waits.

“I read yer articles, lad,” he said to me. “Not bad. Want a job?” When I told him I already had a job but that I would love to write for him he said, “Whatever … just don’t go over 800 words. What country you say you were from? American? Well, then really don’t go over 800 words!”

Over the ensuing months and years, Ian would prove to be my toughest editor and biggest fan. Every month he would call me: “We got a problem with the censors this month, lad,” he’d say. “They say yer being too sarcastic. I told them ‘of course he’s sarcastic … he’s a fackin’ American! What else could he be?’ I hope you don’t mind.”

No, I did not mind in the least. Ian had one of the toughest jobs known to foreigners here, trying to ride the jagged edge between being interesting enough for people to read and yet politically correct for the State-controlled media. He was immensely successful and remains, to this day, one of my personal heroes.

However, the closer we got to the Olympics, the more pressure Ian was getting to dial back the tone of the magazine, to be more “supportive” of China and less critical. My article, on the back page of the magazine, was a key culprit and Ian caught all sorts of flack for it. The censors — the State-owned entity that controlled the publishing license — were on his case to talk to me. When that did not happen, they insisted that he set up a meeting between them and me. Ian held off as long as he could. “Sorry, lad … but would you mind meeting with these chaps? They’re on my arse about it.”

I said, “no problem” and was actually looking forward to it. It is not everyone that gets hauled in to the Great Principal Publisher’s office. I thought that, at least it would make great content for a new article!

I met with their chief rep, a very nice guy who had actually studied and worked in Australia for a bit. He was oily-smooth, just as I had imagined a publisher would be. “Kent,” he said, “Let me start off by saying that your article is just what we want our magazine to be. It is smart, funny, articulate, to the point. Great writing. Just great. It is the first column everyone around here reads every month. We love it!”

I nodded and smiled … and waited, because I knew it was coming. The Chinese word “dan shi.” Dan shi means “but” or “however” in Chinese and it signals a radical turn is ahead — “I have been telling you all of these nice things, dan shi, I am going to give you the real story. And it ain’t gonna be pretty.”

“Dan shi …” he said. “There is a bit of a problem. You see, you are being very sarcastic in your articles by pointing out the behavior of the Chinese people. That is causing a problem.”

“I see,” I said, “but don’t you also see that, when I point out people’s behavior here, I also point to the even-more-ridiculous behavior of foreigners. My conclusion is usually that all these people are behaving this way and don’t have a problem with it — therefore, it is not them that is wrong, but ME!”

“Yes,” he said, “I see that. But still. You are pointing out behavior and that is not good. As you know, all media in China is approved by the government. And if this is published, it is like the government approving these things. And that is not possible. Kent, let me tell you this: You are becoming too famous in Beijing.”

And it was that last statement that froze me in my tracks. The very last thing anyone wants to do here is to become well known for anything! Chinese phrases are rife with warnings: the tallest tree in the forest gets blown down first; the highest nail gets hit. To be famous here is not good.

So I crumbled. I said yes, he was right. I should dial it back. I should not be so sarcastic. I should be nicer. We continued for some minutes as he emphasized that I was not in trouble at all, but that this was just a friendly conversation. I got up to leave, shook his hand, promised to do better and walked out, my knees still shaking from this “friendly conversation.”

But then and there I knew it was over. One only gets hauled before the court here if one is guilty. Judgment had been brought and sealed by my agreement to attend the meeting. I went home and wrote my new column — trying hard to behave myself, knowing all the time that it would never be published. It was, of course, rejected. Completely. “Too sarcastic,” they said.

So it is time to close this chapter and go look for another one. However, I wanted to at least get this out because, although the style is different and “nicer” than what I usually am, I mean every word of it. Here it is…

Dear Chinese Citizen,

Hi. How are things? Its been awhile since I wrote. Been busy. Living in your country is a full time job. I don’t know how you handle it with such grace.

Anyway, I thought it was time to write and say “thanks” for letting me live here. I know I complain a lot. Sorry for that. I am trying to become a better person but don’t have much to work with in the way of raw materials. My elementary school teachers said the same thing.

You have an amazing country. Honestly, I am into my third decade here and not a day goes by when I don’t sit back and think about something new I saw that day. Try to find that anywhere else. I know the rest of the world is impressed by the big stuff — the Great Wall, tall buildings, new Olympic sports venues — and well they should be. But I am more impressed by the little things I see every day.

For instance, your road construction workers. Do they have no fear? Americans are proud of our astronauts having the Right Stuff…but to face immanent death the way your DMV gauchos do every day? Wow. These men and women live lives of Tao-like calm amidst chaos, like a duck in a shooting gallery. And what do you make those orange vests out of? Must be Kryptonite, the way cars seem to avoid them.

Then there are your inventions. I know you are more famous for your gunpowder, paper and kites (and make full and ostentatious use of them around Spring Festival) but I am more impressed by some of your modern creations. I was in a park the other day and saw a wedding photographer with several groups of newlyweds. He had a wedding dress with a quick-release zipper in the back…strap it on one bride, snap some pics and then move it to the next. Beauty and efficiency, all in one package. Very cool! With the high divorce rate in the U.S. we could benefit from one of those. Here is a business tip: set up your first distributor in Las Vegas.

And how about that horn you have on official vehicles? Who came up with that sound? Ah-oo-ga!! It’s like a nine foot tall goose with adenoidal blockage or a T-Rex with intestinal gas. Clears traffic like a flatulent T-Rex would too. Kudos to your sound engineers for that one.

I know I gripe a lot by how crowded it is here, but it doesn’t seem to faze you. To those of us of Caucasian-European heritage, our body size and sense of personal space are directly proportional and we do not take kindly to being touched, bumped or grazed (our ratio in swimsuits is, on the other hand, indirect – the larger the belly, the smaller the Speedo). A room is crowded in the U.S. when you can reach out and touch your nearest neighbor; in Shanghai, I could have three people living in my back pocket and still feel there is room to expand. The morning subway here looks like a shuttle bus for the Siamese Twin Convention, but no one gets upset. Incredible. In the U.S. there would be three lawsuits per subway car by the end of rush hour.

I am also amazed by what good travelers you are. The quality of a person’s character can be clearly seen in their response to the inevitable delays that plague every plane, train and bus terminal around the world. When a flight is delayed in my home country, the chorus of complaints sounds like extras rehearsing “Mutiny in the Bounty.” But in China, a delay just means there is more time for another bag of sunflower seeds, a longer nap stretched out on your carry-ons or another hand of cards. By the way, thanks to that group in Beijing late last year that included me in their game — remind me again, are face cards high or low?

I have always been impressed with your food history, one of the greatest in the world. However, you are not food snobs — your ability to tackle a gourmet restaurant meal and airplane food with equal relish is astounding. Are your taste buds on a toggle switch?

Finally, I want to thank you for the grace you have shown me, a foreigner, living in your country and butchering your language. In the U.S. we legislate that English — American English — is the “legal” language and criticize anyone who speaks anything else, as if being multilingual is the same as being polygamous. But here, you are very excited every time someone makes a lame attempt at speaking your language, and most of us are pretty lame. A big 谢谢 for that (or, as most foreigners pronounce it, “shay-shay”!)

So thanks for all of this. I promise to tone down the whining and keep my eyes open for all the good stuff.

Sincerely, Kent

P.S. If you could hook me up with one of those T-Rex horns, I’d appreciate it…these morning commutes are killers!

So that’s it. My final column. A column that was never a column. For now, I am going to keep these musings going through the podcast and blog we do for our company — its called (creatively) The China Business Blog and Podcast. The link is at the top of the page and I would encourage you to sign up for it to receive them every week.

Thanks to all who wrote words of encouragement and appreciation for the articles over the year. I love this place and I love sharing it with others. Writing this stuff is the cheapest form of therapy I know. And goodness knows, I need a lot of it.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 19th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under China, culture, humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.